


You Can't Help Everyone

by zoeleigh



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: After concert, Anxiety Attacks, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Nightmares, alternate endings, i just don't wanna give it away, of the 2nd ending, there will be some triggers in the notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 14:09:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11419629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoeleigh/pseuds/zoeleigh
Summary: After Tyler sees a girl holding up a sign in the pit saying 'you saved my life' his mood plummets, that's another person he won't be able to thank or encourage personally.ALTERNATE ENDINGS... there are two and the nice one will go first, i suggest not reading number two if you wanna be happy :)





	1. You Can't Help Everyone

As the house lights came up and both Josh and I headed off stage to change, a sinking feeling settled at the bottom of my gut. I saw a girl in the pit holding up a sign reading “you saved my life” while we were bowing and the thought hit me that odds are, I’ll never get to meet her. Josh will never get to meet her. She’ll never get to meet us. Of course, maybe she will, maybe she’ll run into one of us on the street or win a backstage pass from a radio show. But when you think about it, when you think about the odds, she’s one more person I’ll never get to talk to.

 

That feeling sticks with me and I trudge down the stairs at the side of the stage, as I head to my dressing room to change and shower, and as I sit and wait to head back to the bus. My mind is racing with thoughts about all the kids that will never get to share their story with us. Neither Josh or me will get to thank them for listening to our music, for staying alive. They won’t get to hear it directly from my mouth, into their ears, me telling them to stay alive personally. It’s one thing to see videos and read quotes about Josh or me reminding everyone to stay alive, but it’s another to hear it in person as a personal statement. 

 

I know this, Josh knows this. Everyone in the clique probably knows that too. For some, the thought alone of us wanting them to stay alive isn’t enough. I know that if it weren’t for some of the friendships in the clique, a lot of the people who listen to us and call this music their home might not be here today. 

 

Words cannot even begin to capture how thankful I am for the fans that keep each other here. Sometimes in my worst nightmares, I see all these suicides in the clique and I see that I couldn’t help them enough. I see that I failed. I wake up from those dreams panicked and low as I can be. Little can relieve me after those dreams, they stick with me throughout the day and into the night. If I’m feeling really lucky, the feeling will stay for a few day and absolutely, positively weigh me down. Josh can usually pick up when this happens, and he tries to help, he tries so hard, but not much can bring me out of that state. It just has to take it’s course. 

 

Tonight, I don’t even need a nightmare to send me tumbling down into that state of mind. I can do it to myself it seems.

 

My negative thoughts run rampant in my mind, trying to stomp out every bad thought I can have.I try to breathe, try to remember that in a few minutes Josh will walk into my dressing room and will be able to calm me down before getting on the bus. 

 

Deep breath in, deep breath out. 

 

I keep telling myself that, keep trying to overwrite the bad thoughts. I know if I keep my breathing under control I won’t have a panic attack and I’ll be much easier to handle when Josh inevitably walks in on me. But it’s so damn hard. I know what I need to do but my stupid head won’t cooperate. 

 

I know I’m already well on my way to a major anxiety attack that will most likely last through the night, in an on and off state. If I’m lucky it won’t escalate into a panic attack that will leave me out of it for the rest of the night as we drive to the next city. 

 

I fidget with the tangle a fan gave me at a meet and greet once. She gave on to Josh too, saying they were great for anxiety and depression and for just a general need to distract yourself. It now stays with me in my travel book bag, it’s very helpful in times of need. 

 

Now all that’s left is to wait on Josh, he should be here any minute. I squirm anxiously on the couch, hands twisting at the fidget. I keep seeing hordes of fans I couldn’t protect and keep safe from themselves every time I close my eyes. I keep thinking about how I’m a failure. I couldn’t give my dad the star basketball player he wanted, hell, I couldn’t even give him a college graduate. Instead he got this, an eldest son who makes music about his screwed up mental health and worries his mom on a constant basis. In my rational mind, I know he’s proud and I know he supports me and loves me so, so much. But this isn’t rational. This horrible, anxious mindset isn’t in the least bit rational. This mindset gives me ideas of how I could best hurt myself in this room, and how no one needs me. 

 

It’s not fun and it’s not cute and I wish every person would realize that about anxiety and depression, about all mental illnesses. People who think that it’s cute and adorable to be so shy you freak out over going to a party where you won’t know everyone or that not caring about yourself is attractive can go live on an island with the rest of the idiots in this world. 

 

Josh knows this and Josh will be here any second now to calm me down. 


	2. I'll Be With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here is the first (and happy) ending.... enjoy :)

Not another minute passes by before Josh softly knocks on my door before letting himself into my room. The knock only out of courtesy, Josh knows he can come in my green room whenever. 

 

Immediately he sees me curled up on the couch and walks over to me with an urgency to his step. 

 

“Tyler what’s wrong?”

 

He cautiously sits on the couch, allowing me to let him know if touching is okay. I quickly close the gap between us and bury myself in his hoodie.

 

“The, uh, the night- the nightmares.”

 

Josh trails his fingers up and down my back, “Are they back or are you thinking like them again?”

 

“Thinking,” I mumble. 

 

“Well I promise you that tonight, I will be by your side no matter what, even when you go to the bathroom,” he gives a small, warm hearted chuckle, “Okay? And I’ll help however I can to get you to feel better. We can cuddle in the recording studio and I’ll give you lots of forehead kisses since I know those are your favorite. How’s that sound Ty?”

 

I give him a small nod before pulling him closer to me and wrapping my arms around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna leave it like this (aka happy) do not read the second ending :)


	3. I've Failed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw//
> 
>  
> 
> attempted suicide

A few minutes later, I’m now curled up on the couch trying to rock back and forth very gently when Mark barges into the green room. His face is red and puffy like he’s been crying. 

 

He doesn’t even look at me before saying, “Tyler, Ty you gotta come here. You gotta come now, follow me- oh shit, what’s wrong?”

 

Quickly I sit up, “Uh nothing, what’s, uh, what’s the problem?”

 

“It’s Josh, he’s-“

 

And before Mark can say another word I’m propelled out of my curled up state and sprinting to Josh’s room down the hall. I see people, too many people, crowding the area around the door to Josh’s dressing room. Without blinking an eye, I push through everyone and see Josh collapsed on the floor. He’s curled up into a little ball, shivering despite the warm temperature in his room and beside him I spot what looks like a half emptied bottle of his anxiety medication. Which he just refilled yesterday, shit.

 

I fling myself to the floor beside Josh, my breathing is erratic and tears fall down my face in streams only comparable to the fastest flowing rivers. I still see Josh’s chest fall and rise, ever so slightly, which keeps a massive panic attack at bay, for the time being. Mark crouches down beside me, telling me something about an ambulance and about how Josh will be okay. But I don’t believe him, there are no rational thoughts left in my brain. 

 

Even as the paramedics lift Josh onto a stretcher. Even as I get in a car with Mark to follow the ambulance to the hospital. Even as Mark pulls me out of my seat and guides me to where Josh is laying in an emergency room bed, barely breathing. Even as I watch the doctors try to save him.

 

All I keep thinking is that I’ve failed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you made it this far, thanks for reading my friend :)
> 
> so the ending is supposed to be ambiguous, whether josh lives or not, but yeah.
> 
> also i gotta question for you all... would you be interested in reading a story that has vibes similar to 13 reasons why except for one, the dead character is not blaming everyone for why they died. and they don't actually kill themselves, they die in like a car crash or something but a close friend or someone finds their journal which tells about how they wanted to die, ect. so basically the person who finds the journal tries to find all the clues and hints the dead person left behind about feeling suicidal and depressed. 
> 
> i'm not asking as in a fanfic, but like is that a type of book you'd be interested in. i might write it as a fanfic first so i can get all the nice feedback and stuff and then turn it into a not fanfic. but yeah....
> 
> i just got into a writing mood last night so i wrote 2 stories then started thinking about this idea i've had for a bit, but yeah thanks for even reading this, i know it's long. all my love xx

**Author's Note:**

> sorry it's so short and prolly bad, thanks for reading though.
> 
> i starting writing this back when everyone at artopia got to meet tyler and josh and a lot of us twitter folk got upset because we wanna meet them and thank them and stuff


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